Helping Children Overcome Their Fear of Driving

If your children were (or are) excited to get behind the wheel, this may sound strange, but there are many teens who are actually afraid of driving. The exact reasons for why some children are hesitant to take on this challenge aren’t always clear. It can be especially confusing for parents when siblings and friends are chomping at the bit to drive.

Learning how to drive in most parts of the United States is an important life skill.

There aren’t that many places that a person can live and not need to know how to drive outside of the major cities.

Even though public transportation is more common today than it was 10 or 20 years ago, it still isn’t the preferred method of transit for most people.

That isn’t to say that if your children won’t be able to function if they never learn to drive. They can thrive and have happy and healthy lives as long as they’re willing to accept the limitations that come along with the decision to leave the driving to someone else.

Of course, there are always at least two sides to every decision. With the downside of not learning in mind, there are also some upsides that you may want to consider before being overly concerned about this decision.

The first question to ask is whether someone is making a fully informed decision or if they’re acting out of fear. For the person who has made a conscious choice to not drive for reasons other than fear, there may be little that you can or even should do to persuade them otherwise.

Learning how does not mean that one will be required to drive either. However, having at least a rudimentary understanding of the process can come in handy in the event of an emergency, for example.

One other point that you might consider with children who don’t think it’s necessary to learn to drive, but aren’t afraid of it, is how they’ll get around in the event that there isn’t adequate public transportation. Just because your children decide not to drive doesn’t mean you should be the family driver forever. You have to decide how much chauffeuring you are willing to do, set your boundaries, and stick with them.

What about teens who are truly afraid of driving? How do you help those children?

This isn’t about forcing people with deep fears to do something before they’re ready. If your children have an extreme fear or phobia about driving you might consider getting professional help. But for children who are intimidated about driving, there is hope and you can help.

This is a good time for you and your children to check in with your Internal Guidance System (IGS). Not only can this help reveal the reasons behind the trepidation for the teens, it can also help you understand any underlying fear or stress they have. By tapping into you IGS, you can also gain a better perspective, have more confidence in your support methods, maintain an increased level of patience, and even be aware when your children might want to bow out and ask for help from another adult, professional or otherwise.

When you recognize that fear is simply an emotion, you can acknowledge it and move on. This is the first step in helping someone who’s nervous about anything. Telling children there’s nothing to be afraid of isn’t helpful. Car accidents do happen and people do get hurt and killed while driving. The fact that your children are tentative about learning to drive may be a sign of their maturity – they see the inherent dangers and don’t have the mistaken belief that they’re immune to them.

Rather than discouraging the fear, you can use this awareness to help your children be better and safer drivers. Addressing the specific aspects that scare them can be helpful. Allowing them to practice at their own pace and not requiring that they do it at the same rate as an older sibling or their friends can also go a long way towards developing their skills. With better skills and more practice, the level of fear generally diminishes.

Find times and places to practice that give your student drivers plenty of room to make decisions. Let them take their time. Be sure that you’re centered before going out on any practice drives. If you start out anxious, stressed, or tired, your drivers will pick up on that energy and won’t have the most positive experiences.

Verbally reviewing the procedures before putting the car into gear is another good way to ingrain the habits, especially if your children are auditory learners. Many people who are fearful of driving turn out to be very visual. There is so much stimulation and so many things to see, it feels overwhelming.  If this is the case, try to have shorter sessions and control the environment as much as possible. Then, gradually introduce busier, more challenging, and more stressful driving situations.

Given time and understanding, your teens may actually grow to love driving. Even if driving isn’t a favorite pastime, you can help them get over a fear and learn an important life skill. By successfully conquering this fear, not only will they learn to drive, they’ll learn that they can handle other scary situations that come up in the future.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Settling in For a Long Winter's Nap

Clement Clark Moore’s famous poem, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, was a tale of how the speaker and his wife had just settled in for a long winter’s nap before he was startled out of his bed by Santa Claus. Even though Christmas and the Winter Solstice have both passed and nights are therefore getting shorter, your body is still hunkering in for the winter. For teenagers, this can be doubly as difficult.

Parents typically have the same schedule with the exception of a few weeks’ vacation every year. During the work/school week, the entire family likely shares this schedule -- you get up, get ready, help your kids get ready, and then everyone goes about their day.

Weekends are a different story. Parents still tend to get up -- they have things to attend to that didn’t get done during the week and still have a family to take care of. Kids on the other hand, especially teenagers, tend to view the weekend as prime time for a long winter’s nap. That’s true whether it is January or June.

This can be quite frustrating for parents who want the family to do things together. It’s equally bothersome when weekend chores aren’t being done, homework is left waiting, and everyone else’s schedule is pushed aside for the hibernating bear.

Not a bad analogy, is it? Try waking a teenager on a Saturday morning if they aren’t ready. Once awake, the bear is famished as if their sleep could’ve been counted in days rather than hours.

As a parent, this can put you in a difficult position. If you force you teen awake before the hibernation period is over, you’re likely to have a Grizzly on your hands rather than a cute Panda or Koala. On the other hand, should you let the bear sleep as long as they want? You’ve probably been told that children should stick to a consistent schedule. You might also have been told that your children are short on sleep. So what do you do?

According to scientists and health practitioners, teenagers are indeed short on sleep.

“Adolescents are notorious for not getting enough sleep. The average amount of sleep that teenagers get is between 7 and 7 ¼ hours. However, they need between 9 and 9 ½ hours (studies show that most teenagers need exactly 9 ¼ hours of sleep).”

~ Nationwide Children’s Hospital

Hopefully this information will allay the fear you might have over your teen sleeping their lives away. If your teen is sluggish every morning, then it’s possible they aren’t getting enough sleep. The weekends may be a critical time for their growing body to get much-needed rest.

On the other hand, it might be that your teen isn’t scheduling their time well enough to get the appropriate amount of sleep. You might want to look into what’s causing this lack of sleep.

Is your teen up late doing homework? Do they have a part-time job that’s impacting their schedule? Or do they participate in sports or other extra-curricular activities that keep them out late? If this is a temporary scheduling issue, it might not be a major concern, but it might be healthy to consider whether or not your teen is trying to take on too much.

There may be another culprit at play here.  Most teens today spend a significant part of their time with their electronics. They use their phones, tablets, and computers for homework, as a way to connect socially, and for distraction. Rather than be forced to have phone conversations tethered to a wall phone, today kids take their phones everywhere with them. That means they’re staring at those little screens and the light they project for hours at a time.

The human body is designed to respond to light. Originally, this was the light of the sun. A rhythm based on when the sun rises and sets was developed. The advent of artificial lights allowed humanity to extend daytime activities later into the evening. The result was that people began to get less sleep, but those lights could be turned off easily. Now your teen isn’t just using electronic devices in the evening, but is using them for extended periods of time right before going to bed.

“… Careful studies have shown that even our small electronic devices emit sufficient light to miscue the brain and promote wakefulness. As adults, we are subject to these influences and our children are particularly susceptible. “

~ National Sleep Foundation

This means that even if your teen is reading before bed, the electronic device they might be reading it on isn’t preparing them for sleep. Just as your parents used to admonish you to turn the lights out, you may need to remind your teen to turn off their electronic devices in order to get a good night’s rest.

The bottom line is that there’s no need to panic if your teenager takes an occasional long winter’s nap, but if sleeping long hours on the weekends is a constant occurrence or is impacting the family schedule, it might be time to check into the cause of their hibernation.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Do You Allow Your Kids’ Bliss Flow or Rein It In?

The Law of Attraction teaches you to “follow your bliss” and to allow your kids follow theirs. At some point, a parent who applies the Law of Attraction (LOA) in their life have experienced a conflict with this teaching. You want to allow your children to be on their path, to be happy, and to follow what pleases them, but at the same time, you may have some desire for your children conform to adult rules and expectations.

You’ve probably had an experience where you’ve gone to dinner at a restaurant, only to have your pleasant evening interrupted by a youngster happily tearing all over the place.

He or she is clearly living in the moment and experiencing great joy. You however, aren’t enjoying their exuberance.

So what’s the right course of action?

You know that you’re responsible for your own feelings. It’s impossible for other people to make you be angry or upset. So why’s this child’s behavior in question? Isn’t it your responsibility to raise YOUR vibration?

This of course, is merely an example the conflict experienced between bliss and rules that you’ll experience while raising children. The exact situation will vary and you’ll have plenty of opportunities to practice resolving this conflict.

First, it’ll be important for you to be able to tap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS). Sometimes it can be difficult to be objective as a parent or a bystander in these situations. Your IGS will help you remove yourself a bit from the situation and help you see how others might view it.

Another important factor will be specifics related to your individual children. Knowing who your children are is essential in knowing how to best respond to any given situation. After all, every child is different.

Encouraging your children to follow their bliss doesn’t mean that you should allow them to disrupt the joy of others. This is where your IGS can be so helpful. Your IGS helps you to be empathetic to others, to feel what they’re going through, and that might include irritation over the antics of your children.

There are times where you need to parent your children in order to rein in their exuberance. You can learn ways to channel their energy and you can choose opportunities that allow them to be wild and crazy and yet steer clear of situations where their hyperactivity might be uncomfortable for everyone present.

As a parent, it’s important to remember that your joy is as important as your kids’ joy. You have to learn to put yourself first in this regard. When you allow your children’s happiness to be more important than your own, you actually do them a disservice.

When you’re happy, your children will feel that. When you’re not, they’ll feel that as well. If they’re doing something fun that makes you uncomfortable, they’ll likely pick up on that as well. This’ll cause them to distrust their own IGS and result in children who are disconnected, either lacking in empathy for others or unable to identify what their bliss truly is.

Listen to your Internal Guidance System. It’ll help you to know what the best response in any precise moment is; how to allow your children to follow their joy while you maintain your sanity and respect bystanders as well.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Father’s Day When Dad’s not Around

Holidays can be difficult and stressful times, largely because they’re supposed to be joyful occasions filled with family and love. This is widely recognized in December, but what about other special days earlier in the year? For example, how do you celebrate or simply survive Father’s Day when Dad isn’t in the picture?

There can be a number of reasons why the father of your children isn’t around on the third Sunday in June.

It may be that you’re a single parent due to your spouse dying, being divorced, or you just never married. Or maybe Dad’s just away because of work. Maybe he even serves in the military.

Just because Dad isn’t around, there are still a variety of ways you can celebrate the holiday or get through the day.

One of the best things you can do is to tap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS) well in advance of the holiday. Using your IGS to recognize how you’re feeling about the absence of Dad is an important step and should be done when you have some time away from your children.

By being aware of your true feelings, you’ll be able to be honest with yourself and your kids, but also be respectful of their father and the situation.

Kids are smart and they’re very sensitive to your feelings even if you think you’re hiding them well. If you try to muddle through and just camouflage your feelings, you’ll be setting up a conflict that your kids will sense even if they can’t clearly identify it.

They’ll hear your words, feel your energy, and know the two aren’t in alignment. No matter how your kids respond to this disconnect, this isn’t in their best interest. They may learn to distrust their own IGS and intuition or they may even distrust you.

Your IGS can also help you discover the best way to handle the holiday for YOUR family. Remember this isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation and the answer won’t be either. Practice some different scenarios and feel what it might be like to be your children in the situation.

Does it feel good to have another adult male present or does that feel confusing or scary; like he might be trying to take Dad’s place?

How does it feel to spend time talking about Dad and why he isn’t there in an age and situation-appropriate way? Would it feel good to celebrate with another family or to talk about why fathers are special in more general terms?

For some families, it might feel good to celebrate what being a father means and whether that role is biological or not. You can talk about why Father’s Day was created in the first place -- as a day to thank and celebrate men for loving and supporting their families in so many ways. Perhaps you celebrate with grandfathers, uncles, or other male friends.

Be prepared to allow your kids to express their feelings about Father’s Day without Dad. Help them tap into their IGS to work through those feelings. If they’re feeling angry or sad because their father isn’t around, can they use their IGS to find a way to feel better without a magic wand?

This can be a painful and difficult day for both sons and daughters, so it’ll be important to keep the communication lines open. As your children grow and mature, you may be able to share more details about why their father isn’t there.

By honoring each family member’s feelings, you can help your children through challenging holidays. You can also teach them how to be adults who love, honor, and support their own children in the future. In the meantime, you can build your own family traditions that honor your family as it is in that moment.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Strengths and Weakness Aren’t Always Obvious

It‘s important for everyone to recognize that what they see on the outside doesn’t always accurately reflect what’s going on inside. Strengths and weaknesses aren’t always apparent; when you make assumptions based on outward appearances or actions, you can often be mislead or come to inappropriate conclusions.

Sometimes a person appears to be physically strong and healthy when in reality, their body is quite frail.

In general, people who have a strong, healthy appearance are looked upon more favorably than those who appear sickly or weak. At the same time, there are certain expectations placed upon someone who seems physically fit.

What’s your reaction when you see a person who seems quite capable park their vehicle in a parking spot clearly marked for the handicapped?

Do you jump to the conclusion that they’re being dishonest and taking a spot that should go to someone who actually needs it? Do you think they’re abusing the system if they have the appropriate permits to use the space? What about people who have breathing issues like emphysema? Their handicap may not be evident on the outside, but they’re still handicapped.

On the other hand, there are people who may appear to be weak and are actually incredibly strong. When you assume that a person who’s small in stature or delicate in build is weak, you’re discounting the abilities of a huge percentage of the population.

Being physically strong doesn’t mean that you have to be built like a linebacker or have six-pack abs. Physical strength comes in all shapes and sizes -- just look at the variety of body types at the Olympic Games and think about it.

You might see proof that physical strength isn’t related to size in your own children or in their friends. Parents of children who are considered small for their age can still support their children’s desire to become athletes.

You might direct your children towards individual sports or sports that are more suited for their builds. Yet what if they have their sights on being basketball players or want to participate in other contact sports?

It might be scary for you when you imagine all the other kids dwarfing your son or daughter, but that doesn’t mean you should discourage their participation.

Listen to you Internal Guidance System (IGS) so you can know the best way to support your children. Encourage them to tap into their IGS to follow their dreams. Imagine if Russell Westbrook had allowed his height and lack of skill keep him from pursuing his dream of playing basketball. Once deemed “too short” to play ball, Westbrook grew and ultimately became a star in college ball and is now a megastar in the NBA.

There are strengths and weaknesses that aren’t physical either. These are also open to misinterpretation.

When a man cries for example, it’s often treated as a weakness. In reality, it takes great strength to be honest and open with one’s emotions. Being strong emotionally is often seen as a positive trait, but it can mean not being in touch with your feelings or lacking in empathy for others. That’s clearly not something you’d encourage in your children.

Albert Einstein is an excellent and well-known example of a person who apparently had a great academic weakness. He was considered a slow learner, failed numerous exams, and by many accounts, had a bad memory. This supposed “poor student” is now recognized as one of the most brilliant minds of the 20^th century.

Clearly, whether physical, emotional, or behavioral, strengths and weaknesses aren’t always easily identified. Often what you see on the outside isn’t at all consistent with the inner truth. You want others to get to know our children for who they really are inside. We can also teach your children to be open minded and not rush to judge someone by their external appearance. Everyone wins when they look inside and give people the time to grow into their abilities.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Is My Child’s Internal Guidance System Broken?

Everyone’s born with the wonderful gift that is their Internal Guidance System (IGS). Your IGS helps you know what’s in your best interest, how to live your best life, and is there to assist you at any moment.

Unfortunately, most people today generally aren’t aware of their Internal Guidance System and have to be taught how to use it. 

This is because people are taught early in life to pay more attention to what’s going on outside of them rather than their own feelings. 

When you’re told over and over to disregard your feelings, then you naturally begin to distrust them.

If you feel an urge to go left, but are told that you’re wrong and are pulled over to the right every time you so much as try to go left, you’ll possibly begin to discount your urges. 

This will cause you to change your course at least for a while.

Some people are very aware of their IGS from a very early age. They’re the people who still followed their inner compass even when their friends, families, and teachers told them to go in a specific direction. They never discounted their urges because they knew exactly what they wanted from the beginning, but everyone is different.

Parents can learn about their IGS and then pass on that knowledge to their children. You can encourage your child to pay attention to their Internal Guidance System and learn how to use and trust in it. Thus you can support both a child who is already aware of their IGS and a child who hasn’t developed this connection already.

Whether a child is born with a strong sense of their IGS or not, there can come times where they seem to have lost this connection. The child who was always independent begins to follow the crowd or makes choices that you foresee having negative consequences. As a parent that’s aware of the power of the Internal Guidance System, you may actually wonder if it’s possible for your child’s IGS to break down. 

I can assure you that the IGS itself is not broken. 

There are one of two possibilities: 

1. Your child has stopped checking in with (or listening to) their IGS.
2. Your child is checking in with their IGS and it’s taking them on a path that’s different than you would prefer.

The thing for any parent to do in this situation is to first check in with their own Internal Guidance System. This will help you to approach your child in a way that’s most likely to achieve a positive outcome. That doesn’t necessarily mean that your son or daughter will start making decisions you would prefer, but it’ll allow you to understand what’s going on in your child’s life.

They might need a gentle reminder about their IGS or a refresher on how to tap into and trust it. Sometimes a person needs reminders about the tools they have at their disposal. 

Or you may discover they’ve consciously been bypassing the use of this powerful tool.  At some points in life, it’s possible for a person to choose not to use their tools for a variety of reasons even when they know they have them. For example, they might be afraid of being “different,” or it may seem like it’s just easier to follow the group.

Whatever your child’s reasons are for not following their IGS, you can still be a role model by tapping into your own. In this way, you’ll feel when it’s right to encourage your child and when it’s better to step back for a while. Don’t try to force to use of a tool they aren’t open to in the moment. 

Keep in mind that even if they aren’t consciously following their IGS, it isn’t broken. They’ll learn from this experience and when they come back to this tool, they’ll have been on their path and have more information to help them formulate their next moves.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Parenting a Special Needs Child

Parenting is not something that I would term “easy.” Joyful, certainly. Rewarding? Most definitely. But parenting has its challenges even when we are fortunate enough to have perfectly healthy children.

Parents who have a special needs child face additional challenges that most parents never have to consider.

Fortunately, there are many tools that can help all parents raise their children to live the best lives possible today.

If you have a child with special needs, you are very aware of the extra challenges that you and she face.

It is natural for parents to want to protect and fight for their children, especially when they are very young, or appear to be weaker than others.

While this is a natural response for everyone’s sake, it is important that you also take care of yourself and the rest of your family.

One of the best ways you can do this is to be sure to tap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS) on a regular basis, and to teach the rest of your family to do so as well, to the best of their abilities.

As a parent of a special needs child, you will have many choices to make. The exact decisions will be determined by you and your child, as to what her specific needs are. Some of the common issues you will face are whether your daughter should be “mainstreamed” or in special education classes. You may also need to decide if she should be on medications or have special training or equipment to assist in her education and life skills.

No matter what the exact situation with your daughter, you will also have to face that her health will very likely cost you extra time, energy, and money. For some families, this comes at the expense of other relationships, perhaps with your spouse, your friends, or even your other children.

Some parents feel guilty that they are not giving their “special” child everything that she needs. Perhaps you have to work to pay the bills. Maybe you love your career and don’t feel like you are called to be a stay-at-home parent. Or you may stay at home and still not feel like you are doing enough, because you don’t have enough money, enough support, or the proper tools to help your daughter.

Other parents will feel guilt that they are not being “fair” to their other kids. You may be aware that more time and money is being spent on your daughter while the other kids get less attention. Or your other kids may be part of the “team” that helps care for their sister, and you worry that they are not getting to be kids themselves.

I know that you want the best for your entire family, so let us be clear about one thing: feeling guilty will not help you or any of your children.

There is no one path that is right for every family with a special needs child. So much depends on the specific circumstances you are facing.

But just because a majority of parents, who have children with the same diagnosis, follow one path does not mean that is what you should do. You need to find the right path for you. That is why it is important to tap into your IGS, which will help you to determine the best path for your family.

Take some quiet time and check in with yourself rather than always reading about how others handled their situations. How does it feel when you consider staying at your current job (or getting one, if you do not have one now)? What does your IGS indicate when you think about confronting the school administration about mainstreaming your daughter?

Your IGS can help you distinguish between your ego, feelings of guilt brought about because someone else thinks you “should” do it, and what is best for you and your daughter. You may be surprised when you feel you should let go, and when you are guided to pick up a torch. No matter what path you take, by allowing your IGS to guide you, you will have a rewarding, joyful, parenting experience and a lot less guilt.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.