What Do You Tell Your Kids When Serious Illness Strikes?

One of the hardest things a family has to face is the serious illness of a loved one. It can be hard to decide when it comes to telling your kids-- in terms of how much you tell them and how much information you omit. Are you protecting them by not telling them the whole story? Will your kids be angry if you don’t tell them and the situation gets worse? How can you deal with your own fears and emotions along with those of your children?

There is no single right way to handle these situations. So much depends on the specifics, especially with your children being unique individuals. What you tell one child may be different from what you tell another. .

So how do you know how much information to share?

One of the best tools you have is your Internal Guidance System (IGS). By tapping into your IGS, you can have a better understanding regarding the impact on each individual involved.

In some cases, you may decide that not telling your children is the right answer. And it might be. Try tapping into your IGS and ask yourself a few questions before making this decision.

·         How would you feel if you were a child and the information was kept from you?

·         How would you feel when you learned about it later?

·         What if you never got to see someone again because they died as a result of the undisclosed illness?

·         If everything worked out and they fully recovered, would knowing the situation have made it easier or more difficult?

If you decide to tell your children what’s happening to their family member, you still have many questions to ask yourself. Check with your IGS and get support whenever possible as you decide just how much information to share.

Of course, you may want to consult with doctors, who can also help guide you in what to say in age-appropriate language. Depending on the situation and your family, you may call upon friends, extended family, clergy, or support groups to help during a difficult time.

Think about how your children process information and their emotions. If possible, have some tools available that’ll help them process what they’re hearing and be able to take comfort in. This may be a favorite toy, crayons, a journal to write in, or even a means to talk to experts or other people who’ve been through the situation already.

Some kids will have lots of questions and sometimes questions will flow right away. Other kids may take the news in silently. They may need time to process the information. After that, the questions may come later in trickles or like a flash flood.

Since you want to protect your children, there’s often a tendency to dismiss the gravity of a situation. You want to tell your kids that everything will be okay.

For this reason, it’s good to remember that your kids are sensitive to your words, but they can read your body language, too, and they feel your vibration, as well. Even if your words tell them there’s nothing to worry about, they might pick up on YOUR worry and copy the emotion as a result. If your words and vibration don’t match up, they’ll know something is wrong and this may cause them to feel confused. This can create even more fear than knowing the truth.

Possibly even worse than your children feeling like you’re withholding information from them, what happens if your loved one dies? How will your children feel if you tell them everything will be okay and then suddenly their world is turned upside down?

Hopefully, your family is safe and healthy, but as hard as it is, illness and death are a part of every family. Scary as this may be, the best decision may be to admit that you don’t know how things will turn out. You can be supportive and reassuring without lying to your kids.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Healthy Kids Come in All Shapes and Sizes

It seems like a day doesn’t go by that there’s another article or news report about how unhealthy your children are. Yet while it’s true that obesity and diabetes are increasing at a staggering rate in the U.S., that doesn’t mean that all kids are unhealthy and that you need to have a knee-jerk reaction to your children based on a superficial idea of what being healthy looks like.

Children who are lean tend to be viewed as healthy, whereas kids who are not are often perceived as being unhealthy. This isn’t necessarily so - body shape isn’t an indication of health at all.

It’s important for parents and kids to realize the health doesn’t have one look. Healthy bodies come in all shapes and sizes.

Some kids are “all knees and elbows” and are naturally thin. Others are stocky and sturdy. Looking at your children’s physical appearances can help you to assess a certain level of health. When you’re an objective observer, you can notice changes that may be indications that you should be concerned. After all, you likely see your children every day. Really seeing your kids so you can be alert to significant changes is key, but it’s not all you should be taking into consideration.

You should also look beyond physical appearance to determine if your child is really healthy or actually at risk.

Parents often encourage children who are thin to eat more, but if your children are naturally thin, this may not be necessary and could only cause undue mealtime drama. Most healthy children will eat enough to fuel their bodies at the level that makes them comfortable.

If your children seem to suddenly lose their appetite or if they never eat any fruit or vegetables, then you might have a legitimate concern. However, consider that this may be your son or daughter’s natural weight and it’s nothing to worry about -- as they age, their bodies may change and fill out.

On the other hand, parents of kids who are on the stockier side often attempt to restrict calories. However, the majority of kids don’t need to be placed on diets. If you struggled with your weight as a child or if you’re very weight conscious now, be aware that you may be projecting your own body image onto your children.

Forcing children to lose weight or focus too much on being thinner at a young age can set them up for years of struggling with their own body image issues. Again, be willing to consider that this may be a healthy weight for your son or daughter. Their stocky build may disappear when they go through a growth spurt or it may be that they’re simply going to retain this physical attribute and weigh more than their contemporaries.

How can you know if you should be concerned in the first place? First, look beyond a number on a scale. Health is more than just weight. Are your children physically active? Do they breathe hard or have difficulty moving? These are signs that are more important than weight in the end.

Of course, you may consult with your pediatrician to be sure that they don’t have any health concerns. Having a professional opinion can help balance out any personal biases you may have, whether they’re about weight, food, or physical activity.

Another way to help you know that you’re accurately seeing your children and assessing their health is to tap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS). As much as you love your children and want what’s best for them, it can be difficult for you to look at them objectively. Due to your own issues, you may be overly concerned with your kids’ weight. You may overlook a weight problem because they look like you did as a kid or because we love them “just the way they are.” Loving your kids no matter what is great, but you do them a disservice when you ignore warning signs that their health is in danger.

This is why your IGS can be such a powerful tool. When you tap into your inner wisdom, you cut away your biases and feel the truth of the matter. You can evaluate whether your children are eating too little or too much. Your IGS will help us recognize when your kids are in need of encouragement to make healthier eating choices or to be more active. It will also help you to know the best way to give that encouragement.

The bottom line is you want your kids to be healthy. You can help them and encourage them, but you need to remember that healthy kids come in all shapes in sizes. Look at the variety of body shapes in the Olympics and other sporting events. Some people naturally bulk up while others can be strong and look quite thin. Different body types often lead to different athletic abilities -- think of a sprinter versus an endurance runner. Both are healthy and yet their bodies look quite different. It’s up to your kids to decide which they are.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Preventing Childhood Obesity

More than half of American adults are clinically obese. Worse yet, an increasing number of children are obese. This isn’t simply a matter of being “chubby” or having “a little baby fat” either – I’m talking about kids who are getting diseases because of excess body fat that was previously only seen in adults.

In the movie Philomena, an English woman comes to the United States in her search for her now-grown child whom she was forced to give up as a pregnant young girl many years earlier.

Philomena worries about many things. Will her son think she rejected him? Will he wonder why she took so long to find him? Will he even want to meet her?

She wonders what her son will be like and who he has grown up to become. Suddenly, in a moment of panic she asks, “What if he is obese?”

This is a small scene, and it causes laughter in the audience, but she points out that American portions are so large that obesity is a very plausible result.

The sad truth is that obesity is a major health challenge for many countries in the world. While the percentage of obese children is lower than that of adults, the rate of increase for obesity is actually greater in kids than adults in the US.

There is a social stigma in being overweight and even more so for those who are truly obese. Fat kids get teased more and have more issues with depression and isolation. In addition to the emotional and social issues obese kids face, they face severe physical health challenges now and in their future.

Children who are obese are much more likely to become obese adults. Unfortunately, the social, emotional, and physical challenges faced by kids don’t go away just because they grow up.

The best time to prevent childhood obesity is early in your kids’ lives.  It’s important for you as a parent to be actively involved in your children’s health. This doesn’t mean that you lecture your kids about eating healthy foods or exercising -- kids don’t listen to words as much as they follow your example.

That means you have to walk the walk before you talk about it. You have to make healthy food choices for yourself as much as your kids and you have to exercise. In order to get your kids interested in the latter, you may even have to come up with fun and creative ways to get them to join you.

And not every person is a natural athlete. That’s okay -- the good news is that you don’t have to be and neither do your kids.

All young animals play and your children are the same in that respect. You can encourage that physical activity over sitting in front of the television or computer. Rather than shooing your kids out the door to get some fresh air and play, you may need to take a more proactive role if your kids have developed a habit of not moving.

Check out opportunities in your area where your entire family can get moving. Consider enrolling in a class or joining the local pool. Go for walks in the neighborhood or hikes in local parks. Try rock climbing or gymnastics. Try a variety of activities so that every family member can discover some things they enjoy and are good at. More importantly, let every family member choose an activity so they know they have a say in the matter.

Talk about healthy food too. Let your kids help with making the meals. If you have a yard, planting even a small vegetable garden may be the trick to help kids eat more veggies.

And don’t skip out on the vegetables either -- eat healthy meals with your kids. This doesn’t mean that you have to have a “perfect” diet. It’s okay to let yourself, and your kids, have some treats now and then. Use the 80-20 rule for food: if your family eats healthy foods in healthy proportions 80% of the time, then you can have pizza and ice cream (or whatever your favorite less-than-healthy food choice is) 20% of the time.

With a background in moving their bodies and healthy eating, your kids are more likely to retain at least some of their healthy habits as they get older.

That in mind, they’ll no doubt rebel at some point and may turn to more junk food than you’d like, or they may take up a sedentary hobby that makes it more challenging to get in exercise. When this happens, continue to be the healthy example without preaching to them.

Show them that you make time to get in YOUR exercise and talk about how good you feel as a result. Help them to tap into how their body feels when they’re being active versus when they’re not.

The best gift you can give your kids is their health. It isn’t entirely up to you, but if you follow the suggestions I’ve outlined, your kids have a better shot at being healthy children and adults. Not only that, but by being active together as a family, you’ll have a bond that is more than skin deep.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Is My Child’s Internal Guidance System Broken?

Everyone’s born with the wonderful gift that is their Internal Guidance System (IGS). Your IGS helps you know what’s in your best interest, how to live your best life, and is there to assist you at any moment.

Unfortunately, most people today generally aren’t aware of their Internal Guidance System and have to be taught how to use it. 

This is because people are taught early in life to pay more attention to what’s going on outside of them rather than their own feelings. 

When you’re told over and over to disregard your feelings, then you naturally begin to distrust them.

If you feel an urge to go left, but are told that you’re wrong and are pulled over to the right every time you so much as try to go left, you’ll possibly begin to discount your urges. 

This will cause you to change your course at least for a while.

Some people are very aware of their IGS from a very early age. They’re the people who still followed their inner compass even when their friends, families, and teachers told them to go in a specific direction. They never discounted their urges because they knew exactly what they wanted from the beginning, but everyone is different.

Parents can learn about their IGS and then pass on that knowledge to their children. You can encourage your child to pay attention to their Internal Guidance System and learn how to use and trust in it. Thus you can support both a child who is already aware of their IGS and a child who hasn’t developed this connection already.

Whether a child is born with a strong sense of their IGS or not, there can come times where they seem to have lost this connection. The child who was always independent begins to follow the crowd or makes choices that you foresee having negative consequences. As a parent that’s aware of the power of the Internal Guidance System, you may actually wonder if it’s possible for your child’s IGS to break down. 

I can assure you that the IGS itself is not broken. 

There are one of two possibilities: 

1. Your child has stopped checking in with (or listening to) their IGS.
2. Your child is checking in with their IGS and it’s taking them on a path that’s different than you would prefer.

The thing for any parent to do in this situation is to first check in with their own Internal Guidance System. This will help you to approach your child in a way that’s most likely to achieve a positive outcome. That doesn’t necessarily mean that your son or daughter will start making decisions you would prefer, but it’ll allow you to understand what’s going on in your child’s life.

They might need a gentle reminder about their IGS or a refresher on how to tap into and trust it. Sometimes a person needs reminders about the tools they have at their disposal. 

Or you may discover they’ve consciously been bypassing the use of this powerful tool.  At some points in life, it’s possible for a person to choose not to use their tools for a variety of reasons even when they know they have them. For example, they might be afraid of being “different,” or it may seem like it’s just easier to follow the group.

Whatever your child’s reasons are for not following their IGS, you can still be a role model by tapping into your own. In this way, you’ll feel when it’s right to encourage your child and when it’s better to step back for a while. Don’t try to force to use of a tool they aren’t open to in the moment. 

Keep in mind that even if they aren’t consciously following their IGS, it isn’t broken. They’ll learn from this experience and when they come back to this tool, they’ll have been on their path and have more information to help them formulate their next moves.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Parenting a Special Needs Child

Parenting is not something that I would term “easy.” Joyful, certainly. Rewarding? Most definitely. But parenting has its challenges even when we are fortunate enough to have perfectly healthy children.

Parents who have a special needs child face additional challenges that most parents never have to consider.

Fortunately, there are many tools that can help all parents raise their children to live the best lives possible today.

If you have a child with special needs, you are very aware of the extra challenges that you and she face.

It is natural for parents to want to protect and fight for their children, especially when they are very young, or appear to be weaker than others.

While this is a natural response for everyone’s sake, it is important that you also take care of yourself and the rest of your family.

One of the best ways you can do this is to be sure to tap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS) on a regular basis, and to teach the rest of your family to do so as well, to the best of their abilities.

As a parent of a special needs child, you will have many choices to make. The exact decisions will be determined by you and your child, as to what her specific needs are. Some of the common issues you will face are whether your daughter should be “mainstreamed” or in special education classes. You may also need to decide if she should be on medications or have special training or equipment to assist in her education and life skills.

No matter what the exact situation with your daughter, you will also have to face that her health will very likely cost you extra time, energy, and money. For some families, this comes at the expense of other relationships, perhaps with your spouse, your friends, or even your other children.

Some parents feel guilty that they are not giving their “special” child everything that she needs. Perhaps you have to work to pay the bills. Maybe you love your career and don’t feel like you are called to be a stay-at-home parent. Or you may stay at home and still not feel like you are doing enough, because you don’t have enough money, enough support, or the proper tools to help your daughter.

Other parents will feel guilt that they are not being “fair” to their other kids. You may be aware that more time and money is being spent on your daughter while the other kids get less attention. Or your other kids may be part of the “team” that helps care for their sister, and you worry that they are not getting to be kids themselves.

I know that you want the best for your entire family, so let us be clear about one thing: feeling guilty will not help you or any of your children.

There is no one path that is right for every family with a special needs child. So much depends on the specific circumstances you are facing.

But just because a majority of parents, who have children with the same diagnosis, follow one path does not mean that is what you should do. You need to find the right path for you. That is why it is important to tap into your IGS, which will help you to determine the best path for your family.

Take some quiet time and check in with yourself rather than always reading about how others handled their situations. How does it feel when you consider staying at your current job (or getting one, if you do not have one now)? What does your IGS indicate when you think about confronting the school administration about mainstreaming your daughter?

Your IGS can help you distinguish between your ego, feelings of guilt brought about because someone else thinks you “should” do it, and what is best for you and your daughter. You may be surprised when you feel you should let go, and when you are guided to pick up a torch. No matter what path you take, by allowing your IGS to guide you, you will have a rewarding, joyful, parenting experience and a lot less guilt.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.