Helping Kids Manage Anger

No one enjoys being around an angry person and no one likes to catch the brunt of someone’s temper. Yet everyone gets angry from time to time and you want your children to be able to express his or her feelings. So how can you help them to recognize and express their anger in a healthy way that doesn’t alienate everyone around them?

It’s important for you to deal with negative emotions such as anger in a way that is appropriate for your child’s age. You shouldn’t expect him or her to be able to have the same kind of rationalization you’d expect from an adult.

In the same way, you can raise your expectations when your kids are preteens and teenagers. What might’ve been accepted or tolerated when they were five just doesn’t cut it when they’re fifteen.

Even though you’ll likely modify your expectations and how you address the emotions with your children as they mature, don’t talk down to them just because of their age.

Human beings are blessed with an incredible array of emotions from intense anger and despair to the heights of happiness. No one can flip a switch and turn off their emotions and you really shouldn’t try to do that. What you can do is to modify how you express your emotions. This is important for you to remember as an adult and extremely important for you to convey to your children.

“Timing is everything,” as the saying goes. This especially true when you’re discussing emotions with your son or daughter. Do you think your daughter will hear a word you’re saying in the middle of a tantrum or that your son will be able to stop and be rational when he’s beet red with anger?

The best time to talk about emotions is when your children are calm. Reassure them that feelings of anger are normal. It’s okay to admit that you get angry sometimes, too, and then, ask what’s making them feel angry.

It can be really helpful for both you and your child if you can learn about what presses their buttons and what causes immediate reactions. Is your daughter an exploder who vents like Mount Vesuvius only to cool down once she’s through? Or is your son a brooder who hoards bad feelings behind a mask until the dam bursts?

You might be able to help you children figure out what their hot buttons are by mentioning that you noticed that they seemed to get angry when…(you fill in the blank). Or if your sweet, calm child suddenly starts hitting someone, you might be able to help them take a walk back in time to figure out what the cause for the impromptu boxing match was.

Encouraging your children to tap into their Internal Guidance System (IGS) is a great way to help. Using their IGS, they can remember how it felt to bear the brunt of someone else’s tirade. They can feel how different responses might’ve had a completely different result.

It’s important for your kid to know that it’s not healthy to repress their anger. You don’t want your children to turn their anger inwards. If they do that, they may appear to be happy to others while they grow more depressed or sullen. This isn’t good for anyone.

Instead, you need to present them with safe ways to vent their anger. There are a variety of tools that can work, but you need to experiment and learn what works for your child as a unique individual. Some of these suggestions will work in different situations, too, so it’s good to have a couple tricks up your sleeve:

The primal scream is a popular solution for venting anger or frustration. It isn’t necessarily pleasant for others to be around and it can be quite startling if you’re in one part of the house and you suddenly hear screams coming from your child’s room. However, the silent version is actually just as effective for most people. Teach them to allow their face, hands, and body react exactly as they would with a loud scream -- just without the sound. This is a good choice if you can get behind a closed door, even if that door is a stall in the school bathroom.

The act of hitting can also relieve a lot of anger. Of course, you don’t want your children to hit themselves or others, but you might have a punching bag where they can direct their anger. Soft bats can be used too, but be sure to set up ground rules about what and where any bludgeoning device – no matter how soft - can be used.

Yet physical activity is still one of the best releases for anger. Running or splashing about in the pool are great examples where anger can be vented without hurting anyone.

Expressing anger verbally, but calmly, is a great skill that can be developed, too. Your children learn that it’s okay to tell you that they’re angry, that how they handle it is important, and that talking about it sooner rather than later is better than letting the anger fester.

Be the best anger management example you can be, but be human about it. If you lose your temper in front of your child, be willing to apologize. Use your anger as a moment of growth for both of you. You can even discuss other ways you could have handled your anger better and how those choices would have felt to each of you.

When your child learns to accept that everyone experiences anger, but knows that it’s possible to control that anger rather than be at the mercy of the emotion, then you’re raising a child who can manage their anger in healthy ways.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Do You Allow Your Kids’ Bliss Flow or Rein It In?

The Law of Attraction teaches you to “follow your bliss” and to allow your kids follow theirs. At some point, a parent who applies the Law of Attraction (LOA) in their life have experienced a conflict with this teaching. You want to allow your children to be on their path, to be happy, and to follow what pleases them, but at the same time, you may have some desire for your children conform to adult rules and expectations.

You’ve probably had an experience where you’ve gone to dinner at a restaurant, only to have your pleasant evening interrupted by a youngster happily tearing all over the place.

He or she is clearly living in the moment and experiencing great joy. You however, aren’t enjoying their exuberance.

So what’s the right course of action?

You know that you’re responsible for your own feelings. It’s impossible for other people to make you be angry or upset. So why’s this child’s behavior in question? Isn’t it your responsibility to raise YOUR vibration?

This of course, is merely an example the conflict experienced between bliss and rules that you’ll experience while raising children. The exact situation will vary and you’ll have plenty of opportunities to practice resolving this conflict.

First, it’ll be important for you to be able to tap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS). Sometimes it can be difficult to be objective as a parent or a bystander in these situations. Your IGS will help you remove yourself a bit from the situation and help you see how others might view it.

Another important factor will be specifics related to your individual children. Knowing who your children are is essential in knowing how to best respond to any given situation. After all, every child is different.

Encouraging your children to follow their bliss doesn’t mean that you should allow them to disrupt the joy of others. This is where your IGS can be so helpful. Your IGS helps you to be empathetic to others, to feel what they’re going through, and that might include irritation over the antics of your children.

There are times where you need to parent your children in order to rein in their exuberance. You can learn ways to channel their energy and you can choose opportunities that allow them to be wild and crazy and yet steer clear of situations where their hyperactivity might be uncomfortable for everyone present.

As a parent, it’s important to remember that your joy is as important as your kids’ joy. You have to learn to put yourself first in this regard. When you allow your children’s happiness to be more important than your own, you actually do them a disservice.

When you’re happy, your children will feel that. When you’re not, they’ll feel that as well. If they’re doing something fun that makes you uncomfortable, they’ll likely pick up on that as well. This’ll cause them to distrust their own IGS and result in children who are disconnected, either lacking in empathy for others or unable to identify what their bliss truly is.

Listen to your Internal Guidance System. It’ll help you to know what the best response in any precise moment is; how to allow your children to follow their joy while you maintain your sanity and respect bystanders as well.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

The Family that Laughs Together Stays Healthier Together

Laughter is universal. All around the world, people of all ages, nationalities, races, and religions laugh. Unlike words or hand gestures that often have different meanings, laughing is recognized as happiness across the globe.

It’s actually healthy for people to laugh. The human brain reacts to the sound in much the same way as it does when you meditate, so if you’re experiencing difficulty meditating, take up laughter instead.

You can incorporate laughter into your daily life with your entire family.

Children are especially good at this -- as long as adults haven’t gotten in the way. Let your children remind you how good it feels to laugh.

Encourage laughter and play. It’s good for your spirit too, and as it turns out, it’s also medically beneficial for your heart.

Scientists haven’t figured out exactly how, but researchers at the University of Maryland’s Medical Center have found that people with heart disease were “40 percent less likely to laugh in a variety of situations compared to people of the same age without heart disease.”

It seems then that laughter is indeed the best medicine.

People who are seriously ill are often encouraged to laugh. In some cases, the positive energy of laughter seems to have completely healed the patient. Is there a guarantee that this will work? No, but even laughing doesn’t literally save their lives. Instead, the lives they have are better because of it. In addition to being fun and uplifting for their spirit, one of the documented health benefits of laughter is pain relief.

Yet laughter is not just for those who are ill. It can help you prevent illness and lift your spirit no matter what health situation is. Laughing reduces stress and it helps your entire body -- even your brain, improving short-term memory.

When you have a full “belly laugh,” you release feel-good hormones while you increase the amount of oxygen flowing in your blood stream. Laughter helps your muscles to relax and stimulates circulation, both of which are good for body and soul.

Even babies laugh, with laughing out loud typically beginning before they’re 6 months old. The average adult laughs about 20 times per day. Young people often laugh 300 times a day, so this is definitely an area where parents can learn from their children.

Everyone’s experienced how contagious laughter can be. So gather the kids or family friends and have a laugh-in. Be willing to put aside your sense of propriety and laugh at silly things. Rent an old Laurel and Hardy or Marx Brothers film or a more modern comedy that tickles your funny bone.

Joke books can be another source of chuckles. Encourage each member of the family to learn a favorite joke to tell, although it might be an activity best reserved for after mealtime. Not during.

Have your own “America’s Funniest Videos” night, with or without the video camera. Especially if there are family members who are more sensitive or tend to feel picked on, it’s a good idea to have everyone tell stories about themselves. Even if it’s silly things they did or tried to do in the past, you could still find some humor in it.

This is a great time to learn to not take oneself too seriously. Adults sometimes need to be reminded of this and it’s a good lesson for kids to learn and take into adulthood. Let your ego go, and smile, smile, smile.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Father’s Day When Dad’s not Around

Holidays can be difficult and stressful times, largely because they’re supposed to be joyful occasions filled with family and love. This is widely recognized in December, but what about other special days earlier in the year? For example, how do you celebrate or simply survive Father’s Day when Dad isn’t in the picture?

There can be a number of reasons why the father of your children isn’t around on the third Sunday in June.

It may be that you’re a single parent due to your spouse dying, being divorced, or you just never married. Or maybe Dad’s just away because of work. Maybe he even serves in the military.

Just because Dad isn’t around, there are still a variety of ways you can celebrate the holiday or get through the day.

One of the best things you can do is to tap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS) well in advance of the holiday. Using your IGS to recognize how you’re feeling about the absence of Dad is an important step and should be done when you have some time away from your children.

By being aware of your true feelings, you’ll be able to be honest with yourself and your kids, but also be respectful of their father and the situation.

Kids are smart and they’re very sensitive to your feelings even if you think you’re hiding them well. If you try to muddle through and just camouflage your feelings, you’ll be setting up a conflict that your kids will sense even if they can’t clearly identify it.

They’ll hear your words, feel your energy, and know the two aren’t in alignment. No matter how your kids respond to this disconnect, this isn’t in their best interest. They may learn to distrust their own IGS and intuition or they may even distrust you.

Your IGS can also help you discover the best way to handle the holiday for YOUR family. Remember this isn’t a one-size-fits-all situation and the answer won’t be either. Practice some different scenarios and feel what it might be like to be your children in the situation.

Does it feel good to have another adult male present or does that feel confusing or scary; like he might be trying to take Dad’s place?

How does it feel to spend time talking about Dad and why he isn’t there in an age and situation-appropriate way? Would it feel good to celebrate with another family or to talk about why fathers are special in more general terms?

For some families, it might feel good to celebrate what being a father means and whether that role is biological or not. You can talk about why Father’s Day was created in the first place -- as a day to thank and celebrate men for loving and supporting their families in so many ways. Perhaps you celebrate with grandfathers, uncles, or other male friends.

Be prepared to allow your kids to express their feelings about Father’s Day without Dad. Help them tap into their IGS to work through those feelings. If they’re feeling angry or sad because their father isn’t around, can they use their IGS to find a way to feel better without a magic wand?

This can be a painful and difficult day for both sons and daughters, so it’ll be important to keep the communication lines open. As your children grow and mature, you may be able to share more details about why their father isn’t there.

By honoring each family member’s feelings, you can help your children through challenging holidays. You can also teach them how to be adults who love, honor, and support their own children in the future. In the meantime, you can build your own family traditions that honor your family as it is in that moment.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Strengths and Weakness Aren’t Always Obvious

It‘s important for everyone to recognize that what they see on the outside doesn’t always accurately reflect what’s going on inside. Strengths and weaknesses aren’t always apparent; when you make assumptions based on outward appearances or actions, you can often be mislead or come to inappropriate conclusions.

Sometimes a person appears to be physically strong and healthy when in reality, their body is quite frail.

In general, people who have a strong, healthy appearance are looked upon more favorably than those who appear sickly or weak. At the same time, there are certain expectations placed upon someone who seems physically fit.

What’s your reaction when you see a person who seems quite capable park their vehicle in a parking spot clearly marked for the handicapped?

Do you jump to the conclusion that they’re being dishonest and taking a spot that should go to someone who actually needs it? Do you think they’re abusing the system if they have the appropriate permits to use the space? What about people who have breathing issues like emphysema? Their handicap may not be evident on the outside, but they’re still handicapped.

On the other hand, there are people who may appear to be weak and are actually incredibly strong. When you assume that a person who’s small in stature or delicate in build is weak, you’re discounting the abilities of a huge percentage of the population.

Being physically strong doesn’t mean that you have to be built like a linebacker or have six-pack abs. Physical strength comes in all shapes and sizes -- just look at the variety of body types at the Olympic Games and think about it.

You might see proof that physical strength isn’t related to size in your own children or in their friends. Parents of children who are considered small for their age can still support their children’s desire to become athletes.

You might direct your children towards individual sports or sports that are more suited for their builds. Yet what if they have their sights on being basketball players or want to participate in other contact sports?

It might be scary for you when you imagine all the other kids dwarfing your son or daughter, but that doesn’t mean you should discourage their participation.

Listen to you Internal Guidance System (IGS) so you can know the best way to support your children. Encourage them to tap into their IGS to follow their dreams. Imagine if Russell Westbrook had allowed his height and lack of skill keep him from pursuing his dream of playing basketball. Once deemed “too short” to play ball, Westbrook grew and ultimately became a star in college ball and is now a megastar in the NBA.

There are strengths and weaknesses that aren’t physical either. These are also open to misinterpretation.

When a man cries for example, it’s often treated as a weakness. In reality, it takes great strength to be honest and open with one’s emotions. Being strong emotionally is often seen as a positive trait, but it can mean not being in touch with your feelings or lacking in empathy for others. That’s clearly not something you’d encourage in your children.

Albert Einstein is an excellent and well-known example of a person who apparently had a great academic weakness. He was considered a slow learner, failed numerous exams, and by many accounts, had a bad memory. This supposed “poor student” is now recognized as one of the most brilliant minds of the 20^th century.

Clearly, whether physical, emotional, or behavioral, strengths and weaknesses aren’t always easily identified. Often what you see on the outside isn’t at all consistent with the inner truth. You want others to get to know our children for who they really are inside. We can also teach your children to be open minded and not rush to judge someone by their external appearance. Everyone wins when they look inside and give people the time to grow into their abilities.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Teaching Kids That It’s OK to Avoid Toxic People

One of the lessons that parents tend to drill into their children’s heads is to be polite and respectful of others. In most cases, this is an important lesson and skill for kids to learn.

Of course, you can also teach them that they don’t have to be overly polite to everyone.

You already teach them to avoid strangers, whether it’s the mantra from when I was growing up, “Don’t talk to strangers” or today’s “Stranger Danger.” 

What you shouldn’t forget is that there are some people who aren’t strangers that are more beneficial to avoid.

It’s important for everyone to recognize that people just can’t get along with every other human being on the planet.

Just because you don’t have anything in common with them or they merely “rub you the wrong way,” it doesn’t mean that you should completely avoid them -- even if you could.

There are clearly times when it’s impossible to avoid them because that person that you find so irritating is your boss, the spouse of your best friend, or the person next door. In these instances, you learn how to be polite and get along with others, perhaps try to find something you have in common with them, or just learn how to disentangle yourself from their presence quickly and tactfully.

Then there are people who have beliefs and opinions that are diametrically opposed to your own. It’s a great skill to learn how to respectfully listen to others. Often, by hearing the other person out, you’ll broaden your own horizons and have a greater understanding of the topic at hand. In some cases, you may even have a new awareness that leads you to modifying or changing your opinion or behavior.

Listening and calmly discussing different ideas can be a great tool. You probably already use these skills when talking with family members as well as in our professional lives. People who are very skilled at listening and weighing both sides of a situation are often sought out as counsel, whether formally or on a casual basis.

But then there are people who are just plain toxic. How do you know if someone just is different or irritating, or if they are truly toxic?

One of the best ways is to tap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS). Pay attention to how you feel when that person is around. How do other people react in their presence? Is your discomfort merely because they have different opinions than you do or because they look different to you? Or do you feel a pattern of turmoil surrounding this individual?

If your IGS is sending out warning signs that you should steer clear of this person, pay attention. Your IGS is probably picking up on subtle clues that your conscious mind is not.

Toxic people often leave behind a wake of destruction. They may thrive on drama, even stirring up fights between people. Or they may be very needy and take lots of time and energy, draining you without ever being there when you could use a hand.

It isn’t always easy to avoid toxic people, especially if he or she is a family member, coworker, teacher or classmate. If your child can’t entirely avoid the toxic person, help them to set boundaries. By setting boundaries and remaining true to themselves, your child will remain in control rather than allowing themselves to become a victim swept up into the toxic person’s vortex.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Is My Child’s Internal Guidance System Broken?

Everyone’s born with the wonderful gift that is their Internal Guidance System (IGS). Your IGS helps you know what’s in your best interest, how to live your best life, and is there to assist you at any moment.

Unfortunately, most people today generally aren’t aware of their Internal Guidance System and have to be taught how to use it. 

This is because people are taught early in life to pay more attention to what’s going on outside of them rather than their own feelings. 

When you’re told over and over to disregard your feelings, then you naturally begin to distrust them.

If you feel an urge to go left, but are told that you’re wrong and are pulled over to the right every time you so much as try to go left, you’ll possibly begin to discount your urges. 

This will cause you to change your course at least for a while.

Some people are very aware of their IGS from a very early age. They’re the people who still followed their inner compass even when their friends, families, and teachers told them to go in a specific direction. They never discounted their urges because they knew exactly what they wanted from the beginning, but everyone is different.

Parents can learn about their IGS and then pass on that knowledge to their children. You can encourage your child to pay attention to their Internal Guidance System and learn how to use and trust in it. Thus you can support both a child who is already aware of their IGS and a child who hasn’t developed this connection already.

Whether a child is born with a strong sense of their IGS or not, there can come times where they seem to have lost this connection. The child who was always independent begins to follow the crowd or makes choices that you foresee having negative consequences. As a parent that’s aware of the power of the Internal Guidance System, you may actually wonder if it’s possible for your child’s IGS to break down. 

I can assure you that the IGS itself is not broken. 

There are one of two possibilities: 

1. Your child has stopped checking in with (or listening to) their IGS.
2. Your child is checking in with their IGS and it’s taking them on a path that’s different than you would prefer.

The thing for any parent to do in this situation is to first check in with their own Internal Guidance System. This will help you to approach your child in a way that’s most likely to achieve a positive outcome. That doesn’t necessarily mean that your son or daughter will start making decisions you would prefer, but it’ll allow you to understand what’s going on in your child’s life.

They might need a gentle reminder about their IGS or a refresher on how to tap into and trust it. Sometimes a person needs reminders about the tools they have at their disposal. 

Or you may discover they’ve consciously been bypassing the use of this powerful tool.  At some points in life, it’s possible for a person to choose not to use their tools for a variety of reasons even when they know they have them. For example, they might be afraid of being “different,” or it may seem like it’s just easier to follow the group.

Whatever your child’s reasons are for not following their IGS, you can still be a role model by tapping into your own. In this way, you’ll feel when it’s right to encourage your child and when it’s better to step back for a while. Don’t try to force to use of a tool they aren’t open to in the moment. 

Keep in mind that even if they aren’t consciously following their IGS, it isn’t broken. They’ll learn from this experience and when they come back to this tool, they’ll have been on their path and have more information to help them formulate their next moves.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.