Tips for Dealing with Overwhelmed Kids

Some adults seem to think that children don’t have a care in the world, so they struggle to understand or even recognize the symptoms when their children are feeling too much pressure. With that in mind, it is important for you to realize that your child is a unique individual who feels and processes life in their own way. On top of that, life in many ways is both simpler and more complicated than it was when you were a child.

Recognizing the signs being overwhelmed in your child

You know your child whether they tend to be a bookworm, eagerly dives into projects, avoids homework until the last possible moment, or just wants to play video games.

The key to recognizing whether your child is feeling overwhelmed isn’t necessarily that they’re doing – or not doing -- any one specific thing. Feeling overwhelmed will often just look “different.”

At first that may not sound helpful, but there’s truthfully no one-size-fits-all answer for this parenting situation.

It may not always easy to look at your child from an objective vantage point. You’re human, too. Since you know your child, you might sometimes see what you expect to see. Your child may be trying to hide their feelings or you may not be seeing the entire picture. Your child might not want to admit or can’t articulate that they’re feeling overwhelmed, so you might have to be a bit of a parental sleuth to help get to the bottom of the issue.

Take a step back and look at your child’s attitude and behavior. Is your energetic one suddenly lethargic? Maybe they’re just goofing off or aren’t feeling well. And it could also be that they’re just emotionally overwhelmed.

What causes this feeling?

Before you can make lasting solutions, it’s a good idea to discover the cause of your child’s sense of being overwhelmed. Until you do that, you might be barking up the wrong tree and not bringing your child the relief you intended.

A child can become overwhelmed because of the amount of homework they’re being assigned. It could be because of the type of work or the level of the studies, rather than the volume. Changes in teachers, classes, schools, and friendships can also affect a child’s feeling capable of performing.

Activities outside of school can also impact a child and contribute to their feelings. Sports, clubs, and scouting are all valuable in a child’s life, but sometimes they can add up to being too much. Just as with schoolwork, it may be that your child has too many different activities that they’re trying to juggle or that they’ve been pushed to a level that they feel is too advanced for their skills.

Issues at home, whether with siblings, you, family pets, or extended family members can also create a sense of there being too much to handle. Have any changes happened at home that might be at the root of this situation?

Also, remember that children are very sensitive to the vibration their parents put out. Check in with your Internal Guidance System (IGS) to be sure you aren’t feeling some overwhelming feelings yourself; your child may be feeling and mirroring what’s happening in your life.

Steps Towards Taking Action

Knowing the cause (or at least the probable cause) of your child’s overwhelmed state is important in order to determine the right action to take.

If your child is feeling a pressure to perform at a level that’s out of their comfort zone, then you have several different paths to possibly take. The actions you take will be look quite different if your child is buried by the amount of work and activities they have on their plate.

The child who’s being pushed outside of their comfort zone may need reassurance or added self-confidence. They may need to step back a little bit and understand why you, their teacher, or coach are sure that they can handle this new role. If they buy into the decision, that may be the end of their being overwhelmed.

Sometimes the solution may be in how the message is delivered. Help your child understand that being able to work outside of their comfort zone is the only way to grow and keep learning. If they gets comfortable at being uncomfortable, they’ll have learned a great lesson that will serve them in the future.

Perhaps your child just needs a short break to do something they enjoy and already know how to do well. Everyone likes to feel as if they’re good at something, so let them. Reassure them that this is a strength rather than a weakness. You want them to know that they’re a capable and this is an opportunity for them to gain some confidence before tackling a more difficult task.

The child who has too much going on and can’t keep up may need some help prioritizing, scheduling, or managing their time.

It just might be that they have to temporarily drop one activity or another. Some children don’t need to drop anything -- they just need a bit more help until they get over a stumbling block. Let your child know it’s okay to ask for help if they need it, but also honestly assess whether or not they’ve taken on too much.

Both you and your child can participate in this decision. Letting them help choose which activity is dropped or if the plate stays full will help empower them rather than put them into the position of a victim.

Talk with your child about why having some fun (organized activities or otherwise) is important so that life isn’t just about work. Reassure them that there will be time to try other things. Trying different things to learn what they like and what they don’t is what growing up is all about.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Helping Children Overcome Their Fear of Driving

If your children were (or are) excited to get behind the wheel, this may sound strange, but there are many teens who are actually afraid of driving. The exact reasons for why some children are hesitant to take on this challenge aren’t always clear. It can be especially confusing for parents when siblings and friends are chomping at the bit to drive.

Learning how to drive in most parts of the United States is an important life skill.

There aren’t that many places that a person can live and not need to know how to drive outside of the major cities.

Even though public transportation is more common today than it was 10 or 20 years ago, it still isn’t the preferred method of transit for most people.

That isn’t to say that if your children won’t be able to function if they never learn to drive. They can thrive and have happy and healthy lives as long as they’re willing to accept the limitations that come along with the decision to leave the driving to someone else.

Of course, there are always at least two sides to every decision. With the downside of not learning in mind, there are also some upsides that you may want to consider before being overly concerned about this decision.

The first question to ask is whether someone is making a fully informed decision or if they’re acting out of fear. For the person who has made a conscious choice to not drive for reasons other than fear, there may be little that you can or even should do to persuade them otherwise.

Learning how does not mean that one will be required to drive either. However, having at least a rudimentary understanding of the process can come in handy in the event of an emergency, for example.

One other point that you might consider with children who don’t think it’s necessary to learn to drive, but aren’t afraid of it, is how they’ll get around in the event that there isn’t adequate public transportation. Just because your children decide not to drive doesn’t mean you should be the family driver forever. You have to decide how much chauffeuring you are willing to do, set your boundaries, and stick with them.

What about teens who are truly afraid of driving? How do you help those children?

This isn’t about forcing people with deep fears to do something before they’re ready. If your children have an extreme fear or phobia about driving you might consider getting professional help. But for children who are intimidated about driving, there is hope and you can help.

This is a good time for you and your children to check in with your Internal Guidance System (IGS). Not only can this help reveal the reasons behind the trepidation for the teens, it can also help you understand any underlying fear or stress they have. By tapping into you IGS, you can also gain a better perspective, have more confidence in your support methods, maintain an increased level of patience, and even be aware when your children might want to bow out and ask for help from another adult, professional or otherwise.

When you recognize that fear is simply an emotion, you can acknowledge it and move on. This is the first step in helping someone who’s nervous about anything. Telling children there’s nothing to be afraid of isn’t helpful. Car accidents do happen and people do get hurt and killed while driving. The fact that your children are tentative about learning to drive may be a sign of their maturity – they see the inherent dangers and don’t have the mistaken belief that they’re immune to them.

Rather than discouraging the fear, you can use this awareness to help your children be better and safer drivers. Addressing the specific aspects that scare them can be helpful. Allowing them to practice at their own pace and not requiring that they do it at the same rate as an older sibling or their friends can also go a long way towards developing their skills. With better skills and more practice, the level of fear generally diminishes.

Find times and places to practice that give your student drivers plenty of room to make decisions. Let them take their time. Be sure that you’re centered before going out on any practice drives. If you start out anxious, stressed, or tired, your drivers will pick up on that energy and won’t have the most positive experiences.

Verbally reviewing the procedures before putting the car into gear is another good way to ingrain the habits, especially if your children are auditory learners. Many people who are fearful of driving turn out to be very visual. There is so much stimulation and so many things to see, it feels overwhelming.  If this is the case, try to have shorter sessions and control the environment as much as possible. Then, gradually introduce busier, more challenging, and more stressful driving situations.

Given time and understanding, your teens may actually grow to love driving. Even if driving isn’t a favorite pastime, you can help them get over a fear and learn an important life skill. By successfully conquering this fear, not only will they learn to drive, they’ll learn that they can handle other scary situations that come up in the future.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Settling in For a Long Winter's Nap

Clement Clark Moore’s famous poem, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, was a tale of how the speaker and his wife had just settled in for a long winter’s nap before he was startled out of his bed by Santa Claus. Even though Christmas and the Winter Solstice have both passed and nights are therefore getting shorter, your body is still hunkering in for the winter. For teenagers, this can be doubly as difficult.

Parents typically have the same schedule with the exception of a few weeks’ vacation every year. During the work/school week, the entire family likely shares this schedule -- you get up, get ready, help your kids get ready, and then everyone goes about their day.

Weekends are a different story. Parents still tend to get up -- they have things to attend to that didn’t get done during the week and still have a family to take care of. Kids on the other hand, especially teenagers, tend to view the weekend as prime time for a long winter’s nap. That’s true whether it is January or June.

This can be quite frustrating for parents who want the family to do things together. It’s equally bothersome when weekend chores aren’t being done, homework is left waiting, and everyone else’s schedule is pushed aside for the hibernating bear.

Not a bad analogy, is it? Try waking a teenager on a Saturday morning if they aren’t ready. Once awake, the bear is famished as if their sleep could’ve been counted in days rather than hours.

As a parent, this can put you in a difficult position. If you force you teen awake before the hibernation period is over, you’re likely to have a Grizzly on your hands rather than a cute Panda or Koala. On the other hand, should you let the bear sleep as long as they want? You’ve probably been told that children should stick to a consistent schedule. You might also have been told that your children are short on sleep. So what do you do?

According to scientists and health practitioners, teenagers are indeed short on sleep.

“Adolescents are notorious for not getting enough sleep. The average amount of sleep that teenagers get is between 7 and 7 ¼ hours. However, they need between 9 and 9 ½ hours (studies show that most teenagers need exactly 9 ¼ hours of sleep).”

~ Nationwide Children’s Hospital

Hopefully this information will allay the fear you might have over your teen sleeping their lives away. If your teen is sluggish every morning, then it’s possible they aren’t getting enough sleep. The weekends may be a critical time for their growing body to get much-needed rest.

On the other hand, it might be that your teen isn’t scheduling their time well enough to get the appropriate amount of sleep. You might want to look into what’s causing this lack of sleep.

Is your teen up late doing homework? Do they have a part-time job that’s impacting their schedule? Or do they participate in sports or other extra-curricular activities that keep them out late? If this is a temporary scheduling issue, it might not be a major concern, but it might be healthy to consider whether or not your teen is trying to take on too much.

There may be another culprit at play here.  Most teens today spend a significant part of their time with their electronics. They use their phones, tablets, and computers for homework, as a way to connect socially, and for distraction. Rather than be forced to have phone conversations tethered to a wall phone, today kids take their phones everywhere with them. That means they’re staring at those little screens and the light they project for hours at a time.

The human body is designed to respond to light. Originally, this was the light of the sun. A rhythm based on when the sun rises and sets was developed. The advent of artificial lights allowed humanity to extend daytime activities later into the evening. The result was that people began to get less sleep, but those lights could be turned off easily. Now your teen isn’t just using electronic devices in the evening, but is using them for extended periods of time right before going to bed.

“… Careful studies have shown that even our small electronic devices emit sufficient light to miscue the brain and promote wakefulness. As adults, we are subject to these influences and our children are particularly susceptible. “

~ National Sleep Foundation

This means that even if your teen is reading before bed, the electronic device they might be reading it on isn’t preparing them for sleep. Just as your parents used to admonish you to turn the lights out, you may need to remind your teen to turn off their electronic devices in order to get a good night’s rest.

The bottom line is that there’s no need to panic if your teenager takes an occasional long winter’s nap, but if sleeping long hours on the weekends is a constant occurrence or is impacting the family schedule, it might be time to check into the cause of their hibernation.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Your Health is the Best Gift You Can Give Your Family

The holidays are approaching, so your gift list is likely long, seems to grow longer every day, and you want to give your family presents that will bring them joy. After all, it’s so much fun to see huge grins on the faces of your children when they open up the perfect presents.

As much fun as it can be to give tangible gifts, the very best gift you can give your family is health -- your health.

You know that the best way to be healthy is to make healthy food choices, move your body, and get enough rest. 

You encourage these behaviors in your children, but do you set the proper example? If you truly want your children to be healthy, then it’s important that you take your own health seriously and make it a priority.

While there are no guarantees that having healthy habits will enable you to live to your 100^th birthday, your healthy habits will help you live a longer and happier life. You’ll have a better chance of seeing your children grow up, get married, and have children of their own.

That sounds pretty good, doesn’t it? Well, on top of that, by setting a healthy example for your kids, you actually improve the chances that they will live long, healthy lives as well.

When you set your health as a priority, you send an important message to your family and others. The message is that you matter. You’re important. You deserve health. You deserve to be fit. You deserve to feel good for no reason other than that. Just because.

This is a powerful message for children to hear and absorb. As much as you can tell your children how important it is to take care of themselves, children are less likely to take that message seriously if they don’t see it demonstrated.

The most important people in most children’s lives are their parents. They watch and listen to what they say, but it isn’t just a parent’s words that children pick up on. They hear and see everything; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

It isn’t easy to fit being healthy into your schedule. Life gets busy. Not only you a parent, but maybe you work full-time outside of the home. It’s possible you have other obligations as well. Maybe you have your own parents to look after or are a volunteer with a group or committee.

Your children will be busy people, too. Rather than demonstrating that other people and other groups come first, consider shifting your priorities, try to demonstrate that a person should take care of themselves first.

In business, it used to be that everyone focused on the customer or client. The customer was always right. The client came first.

Today, some powerful people in business are realizing that policy isn’t the best practice after all. They’re instead stating that employees should come first.

Clients do not come first. Employees come first. If you take care of your employees, they will take care of the clients.        

~Richard Branson

Similarly, you may have been taught that you have to put your children first. You might consider turning this thought around as well. When you take care of yourself first, you can take care of the children because you’ve taken the time to take care of yourself first.

Anyone who’s flown on an airplane is familiar with the safety directions the attendants provide at the beginning of each flight. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, put your own mask on first. Then you can help your child. What good are you to your kids if you’ve passed out from a lack of oxygen?

By setting the example of how important it is to take care of yourself, you set your entire family up for healthier lives. You allow them to see that it’s okay for them to put their own health on the top of the priority list. They learn to incorporate healthy habits into their daily routine and see that doing so provides the energy and vitality to function at their very best. 

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

What Do You Tell Your Kids When Serious Illness Strikes?

One of the hardest things a family has to face is the serious illness of a loved one. It can be hard to decide when it comes to telling your kids-- in terms of how much you tell them and how much information you omit. Are you protecting them by not telling them the whole story? Will your kids be angry if you don’t tell them and the situation gets worse? How can you deal with your own fears and emotions along with those of your children?

There is no single right way to handle these situations. So much depends on the specifics, especially with your children being unique individuals. What you tell one child may be different from what you tell another. .

So how do you know how much information to share?

One of the best tools you have is your Internal Guidance System (IGS). By tapping into your IGS, you can have a better understanding regarding the impact on each individual involved.

In some cases, you may decide that not telling your children is the right answer. And it might be. Try tapping into your IGS and ask yourself a few questions before making this decision.

·         How would you feel if you were a child and the information was kept from you?

·         How would you feel when you learned about it later?

·         What if you never got to see someone again because they died as a result of the undisclosed illness?

·         If everything worked out and they fully recovered, would knowing the situation have made it easier or more difficult?

If you decide to tell your children what’s happening to their family member, you still have many questions to ask yourself. Check with your IGS and get support whenever possible as you decide just how much information to share.

Of course, you may want to consult with doctors, who can also help guide you in what to say in age-appropriate language. Depending on the situation and your family, you may call upon friends, extended family, clergy, or support groups to help during a difficult time.

Think about how your children process information and their emotions. If possible, have some tools available that’ll help them process what they’re hearing and be able to take comfort in. This may be a favorite toy, crayons, a journal to write in, or even a means to talk to experts or other people who’ve been through the situation already.

Some kids will have lots of questions and sometimes questions will flow right away. Other kids may take the news in silently. They may need time to process the information. After that, the questions may come later in trickles or like a flash flood.

Since you want to protect your children, there’s often a tendency to dismiss the gravity of a situation. You want to tell your kids that everything will be okay.

For this reason, it’s good to remember that your kids are sensitive to your words, but they can read your body language, too, and they feel your vibration, as well. Even if your words tell them there’s nothing to worry about, they might pick up on YOUR worry and copy the emotion as a result. If your words and vibration don’t match up, they’ll know something is wrong and this may cause them to feel confused. This can create even more fear than knowing the truth.

Possibly even worse than your children feeling like you’re withholding information from them, what happens if your loved one dies? How will your children feel if you tell them everything will be okay and then suddenly their world is turned upside down?

Hopefully, your family is safe and healthy, but as hard as it is, illness and death are a part of every family. Scary as this may be, the best decision may be to admit that you don’t know how things will turn out. You can be supportive and reassuring without lying to your kids.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Trick or Treat: Opportunity of a Lifetime or a Big Risk?

Fear is a natural human response to stress and stress is often spoken of as if it’s a four-letter word to be avoided at all costs.

In actuality, stress occurs for many reasons. Stress can rear its ugly head during happy events, too,  and isn’t a bad thing at all. You can feel stress before your wedding day, when your kids are born, and many times, during school or work.

Even though these are stressful events, you’ll most likely still look back and admit that these things were the happiest days of your life.

You can help your kids by encouraging them to understand stress and fear. Try to provide them the means to deal with those emotions so it doesn’t cause them to avoid times that might be stressful, but happy at the same time. 

In caveman days, a person’s biggest stressors were truly life or death situations. Was that noise caused by something lurking behind that big tree that wants to turn you into a Happy Meal? That’s quite a bit more stressful than a cell phone battery dying. Intense fear is a very rational response to being hunted.

Fear causes a natural fight or flight reaction in the body. You can see this response in other animals as well. A rabbit will often freeze in its tracks, hoping to avoid detection. But if a rabbit believes that a predator has seen it, it will take off immediately, exhibiting the classic “flight” reaction.

Watch the family cat in a threatening situation. The cat will most likely bare its teeth, hiss, and swat at the offender, even though said offender is a much larger and stronger animal. This is the “fight” response in action.

Humans have the same reactions to stressful situations. Within your brain is an area called the amygdala and this is where the fight or flight response begins, ultimately sending hormones throughout your body. Some people will react like the rabbit, others like the cat. Most people can behave either way depending on the circumstances.

Fortunately, most of your stressful, scary situations are no longer life-threatening. Unfortunately, the amygdala is the most primitive part of your brain and in some ways, it hasn’t adjusted to modern life. That means it can’t tell the difference between different types of stress. Instead, it treats them all the same, as if your life is in literally in danger. Your body can become flooded with stress hormones, causing your heart to race and psychologically, you might want to flee or gear up for a battle.

Fear can then hold you back or keep you safe, even today. You’re given opportunities that also hold great risk. Whether you’re looking at investing your money in the stock market or into a new business, there’s a chance you could either strike it rich or fall on your face.

Imagine you’re offered a new job -- the dream job you always wanted. How exciting, right? Now imagine that new job happens to be with a different employer in an entirely new state. This means you have to uproot your family and relocate. That’s pretty stressful!

In the face of something like that, some people will freeze from fear and turn the job down. They’re running away, like the rabbit. They quickly decide that they can’t handle the change, so they stay put. Other people will jump at the chance, ready to take on the battles that lie ahead.

Neither of these responses are inherently right or wrong. The best response is to overcome your primitive brain and think about what you want, connecting with how your choices feel.

Many performers report that they feel fear before every show. For them, a certain level of “butterflies” should be celebrated -- it means they haven’t become complacent and recognize that they can still do their best while experiencing a little fear.

You can consider whether you’re allowing fear to hold you back or to keep you safe. Tap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS) and evaluate how you feel. Try to recognize the fear and use the recognition to calm the primitive fear.

From there, you can start to discover the risks versus the rewards and where your personal tolerance level lies. You can recognize when the fear you’re feeling is a sign that you’re alive and excited like the performer. Your IGS will also help you identify when the fear is warning you away from taking action.

Your kids will have stress in life, too. They’ll worry about an upcoming exam, have to ask someone to the prom, or decide what college to attend. Later, they’ll need to use their IGS to decide which job offer to accept. But some adults, who weren’t counseled properly as children, may find it hard to even get out and go on job interviews!

If you remind your children to listen to their own IGS, you can help them to take advantage of stressful opportunities that are normal and important. They might completely miss out on some of the good things in life just because they never learned to control normal stress. Try to help kids to look inside and to conquer their fears when they’re young. If you do, they’ll be able to handle the stresses that are normal to a happy adult life.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Healthy Kids Come in All Shapes and Sizes

It seems like a day doesn’t go by that there’s another article or news report about how unhealthy your children are. Yet while it’s true that obesity and diabetes are increasing at a staggering rate in the U.S., that doesn’t mean that all kids are unhealthy and that you need to have a knee-jerk reaction to your children based on a superficial idea of what being healthy looks like.

Children who are lean tend to be viewed as healthy, whereas kids who are not are often perceived as being unhealthy. This isn’t necessarily so - body shape isn’t an indication of health at all.

It’s important for parents and kids to realize the health doesn’t have one look. Healthy bodies come in all shapes and sizes.

Some kids are “all knees and elbows” and are naturally thin. Others are stocky and sturdy. Looking at your children’s physical appearances can help you to assess a certain level of health. When you’re an objective observer, you can notice changes that may be indications that you should be concerned. After all, you likely see your children every day. Really seeing your kids so you can be alert to significant changes is key, but it’s not all you should be taking into consideration.

You should also look beyond physical appearance to determine if your child is really healthy or actually at risk.

Parents often encourage children who are thin to eat more, but if your children are naturally thin, this may not be necessary and could only cause undue mealtime drama. Most healthy children will eat enough to fuel their bodies at the level that makes them comfortable.

If your children seem to suddenly lose their appetite or if they never eat any fruit or vegetables, then you might have a legitimate concern. However, consider that this may be your son or daughter’s natural weight and it’s nothing to worry about -- as they age, their bodies may change and fill out.

On the other hand, parents of kids who are on the stockier side often attempt to restrict calories. However, the majority of kids don’t need to be placed on diets. If you struggled with your weight as a child or if you’re very weight conscious now, be aware that you may be projecting your own body image onto your children.

Forcing children to lose weight or focus too much on being thinner at a young age can set them up for years of struggling with their own body image issues. Again, be willing to consider that this may be a healthy weight for your son or daughter. Their stocky build may disappear when they go through a growth spurt or it may be that they’re simply going to retain this physical attribute and weigh more than their contemporaries.

How can you know if you should be concerned in the first place? First, look beyond a number on a scale. Health is more than just weight. Are your children physically active? Do they breathe hard or have difficulty moving? These are signs that are more important than weight in the end.

Of course, you may consult with your pediatrician to be sure that they don’t have any health concerns. Having a professional opinion can help balance out any personal biases you may have, whether they’re about weight, food, or physical activity.

Another way to help you know that you’re accurately seeing your children and assessing their health is to tap into your Internal Guidance System (IGS). As much as you love your children and want what’s best for them, it can be difficult for you to look at them objectively. Due to your own issues, you may be overly concerned with your kids’ weight. You may overlook a weight problem because they look like you did as a kid or because we love them “just the way they are.” Loving your kids no matter what is great, but you do them a disservice when you ignore warning signs that their health is in danger.

This is why your IGS can be such a powerful tool. When you tap into your inner wisdom, you cut away your biases and feel the truth of the matter. You can evaluate whether your children are eating too little or too much. Your IGS will help us recognize when your kids are in need of encouragement to make healthier eating choices or to be more active. It will also help you to know the best way to give that encouragement.

The bottom line is you want your kids to be healthy. You can help them and encourage them, but you need to remember that healthy kids come in all shapes in sizes. Look at the variety of body shapes in the Olympics and other sporting events. Some people naturally bulk up while others can be strong and look quite thin. Different body types often lead to different athletic abilities -- think of a sprinter versus an endurance runner. Both are healthy and yet their bodies look quite different. It’s up to your kids to decide which they are.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.