Staying United When Politics Cause Division

Politics tends to divide people. Voters have to decide which candidate to choose and this automatically puts people into different camps. Politicians attempt to woo the voters in a number of ways because the person with the most active “campers” wins.

The nature of the election process often leads to the extremes. In an effort to appeal to those who feel the most strongest about a particular issue, the candidate frequently stirs up the emotions by painting the opposition in the most polarizing way possible.

You may not be able to do anything about the way politicians and their most vitriolic supporters behave, but what happens when politics causes division between friends or even within a family? 

How do you stay true to your hopes for the government and maintain a loving, supportive environment with the people you care about most?

People tend to befriend others with similar interests and beliefs. Combine that with the broad picture that’s painted about the opposition and it can be quite a shock when your friends, spouse, or children don’t agree with your choices. For some people, it can feel like a betrayal. It’s happened that friends and family members have been banned from discussing politics altogether or even banned from the home during campaign seasons. Other families take it all in stride, seemingly at ease with the differences.

How you approach these differences of opinion will have a large impact on your children. This is true whether your children are old enough to form their own views or if they’re still quite young. 

If both parents agree, then there’s the issue of how you portray both your side and the opposition, not to mention how -- and if -- you handle it when friends or family members outside the immediate family disagree.

When parents disagree, it’s important to decide how you’ll handle your own differences of opinion.

These may seem like simple decisions, but they often aren’t. Frequently, they’re not made on a conscious level either.  Instead, they just happen or they’re part of a long-standing family pattern.

In the America of generations past, the opinion of the patriarch was the only one that was voiced. Wives may have had their own views, but they weren’t consulted, nor were they valued. In those situations, the family pattern would be for the man to express his views loudly while the woman remained silent.

Later generations saw fewer and fewer women who were willing to sit silently while their husbands opined. The degree to which they openly agreed or disagreed with their husbands would have varied based on their relationships and the specific issue.

This is true for most American households today. While many couples will agree on major concepts, they may disagree on finer points or particular issues. And many couples seem to disagree on just about everything political. It’s been a joke in many families that their votes cancel each other out because they vote for different candidates or even different parties.

Some families are comfortable with loud discussions or even arguments. Other people are fine with disagreeing as long as the views are expressed in a polite or quiet manner. Some are okay with other opinions when certain criteria are met. For example, differences may be expressed outside of the home, or not when guests are present.

Is your family one that will only tolerate one view? Or will your family support individual viewpoints between family members? Will you encourage discourse and the open exchange of differing ideas, thoughts, and opinions? Or will your family be one that chooses to not discuss subjects that cause disagreement?

Being able to live with, love, and respect others with different views is a valuable skill that you can teach your children. The ability to recognize that a person who harbors an opinion different from your own isn’t a villain is also an important lesson for children to learn. A valid case can be made for any path you choose. Consider how your family will live together. That includes how you handle strong differences of opinion, both from within and from others.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Tips for Dealing with Overwhelmed Kids

Some adults seem to think that children don’t have a care in the world, so they struggle to understand or even recognize the symptoms when their children are feeling too much pressure. With that in mind, it is important for you to realize that your child is a unique individual who feels and processes life in their own way. On top of that, life in many ways is both simpler and more complicated than it was when you were a child.

Recognizing the signs being overwhelmed in your child

You know your child whether they tend to be a bookworm, eagerly dives into projects, avoids homework until the last possible moment, or just wants to play video games.

The key to recognizing whether your child is feeling overwhelmed isn’t necessarily that they’re doing – or not doing -- any one specific thing. Feeling overwhelmed will often just look “different.”

At first that may not sound helpful, but there’s truthfully no one-size-fits-all answer for this parenting situation.

It may not always easy to look at your child from an objective vantage point. You’re human, too. Since you know your child, you might sometimes see what you expect to see. Your child may be trying to hide their feelings or you may not be seeing the entire picture. Your child might not want to admit or can’t articulate that they’re feeling overwhelmed, so you might have to be a bit of a parental sleuth to help get to the bottom of the issue.

Take a step back and look at your child’s attitude and behavior. Is your energetic one suddenly lethargic? Maybe they’re just goofing off or aren’t feeling well. And it could also be that they’re just emotionally overwhelmed.

What causes this feeling?

Before you can make lasting solutions, it’s a good idea to discover the cause of your child’s sense of being overwhelmed. Until you do that, you might be barking up the wrong tree and not bringing your child the relief you intended.

A child can become overwhelmed because of the amount of homework they’re being assigned. It could be because of the type of work or the level of the studies, rather than the volume. Changes in teachers, classes, schools, and friendships can also affect a child’s feeling capable of performing.

Activities outside of school can also impact a child and contribute to their feelings. Sports, clubs, and scouting are all valuable in a child’s life, but sometimes they can add up to being too much. Just as with schoolwork, it may be that your child has too many different activities that they’re trying to juggle or that they’ve been pushed to a level that they feel is too advanced for their skills.

Issues at home, whether with siblings, you, family pets, or extended family members can also create a sense of there being too much to handle. Have any changes happened at home that might be at the root of this situation?

Also, remember that children are very sensitive to the vibration their parents put out. Check in with your Internal Guidance System (IGS) to be sure you aren’t feeling some overwhelming feelings yourself; your child may be feeling and mirroring what’s happening in your life.

Steps Towards Taking Action

Knowing the cause (or at least the probable cause) of your child’s overwhelmed state is important in order to determine the right action to take.

If your child is feeling a pressure to perform at a level that’s out of their comfort zone, then you have several different paths to possibly take. The actions you take will be look quite different if your child is buried by the amount of work and activities they have on their plate.

The child who’s being pushed outside of their comfort zone may need reassurance or added self-confidence. They may need to step back a little bit and understand why you, their teacher, or coach are sure that they can handle this new role. If they buy into the decision, that may be the end of their being overwhelmed.

Sometimes the solution may be in how the message is delivered. Help your child understand that being able to work outside of their comfort zone is the only way to grow and keep learning. If they gets comfortable at being uncomfortable, they’ll have learned a great lesson that will serve them in the future.

Perhaps your child just needs a short break to do something they enjoy and already know how to do well. Everyone likes to feel as if they’re good at something, so let them. Reassure them that this is a strength rather than a weakness. You want them to know that they’re a capable and this is an opportunity for them to gain some confidence before tackling a more difficult task.

The child who has too much going on and can’t keep up may need some help prioritizing, scheduling, or managing their time.

It just might be that they have to temporarily drop one activity or another. Some children don’t need to drop anything -- they just need a bit more help until they get over a stumbling block. Let your child know it’s okay to ask for help if they need it, but also honestly assess whether or not they’ve taken on too much.

Both you and your child can participate in this decision. Letting them help choose which activity is dropped or if the plate stays full will help empower them rather than put them into the position of a victim.

Talk with your child about why having some fun (organized activities or otherwise) is important so that life isn’t just about work. Reassure them that there will be time to try other things. Trying different things to learn what they like and what they don’t is what growing up is all about.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Helping Children Overcome Their Fear of Driving

If your children were (or are) excited to get behind the wheel, this may sound strange, but there are many teens who are actually afraid of driving. The exact reasons for why some children are hesitant to take on this challenge aren’t always clear. It can be especially confusing for parents when siblings and friends are chomping at the bit to drive.

Learning how to drive in most parts of the United States is an important life skill.

There aren’t that many places that a person can live and not need to know how to drive outside of the major cities.

Even though public transportation is more common today than it was 10 or 20 years ago, it still isn’t the preferred method of transit for most people.

That isn’t to say that if your children won’t be able to function if they never learn to drive. They can thrive and have happy and healthy lives as long as they’re willing to accept the limitations that come along with the decision to leave the driving to someone else.

Of course, there are always at least two sides to every decision. With the downside of not learning in mind, there are also some upsides that you may want to consider before being overly concerned about this decision.

The first question to ask is whether someone is making a fully informed decision or if they’re acting out of fear. For the person who has made a conscious choice to not drive for reasons other than fear, there may be little that you can or even should do to persuade them otherwise.

Learning how does not mean that one will be required to drive either. However, having at least a rudimentary understanding of the process can come in handy in the event of an emergency, for example.

One other point that you might consider with children who don’t think it’s necessary to learn to drive, but aren’t afraid of it, is how they’ll get around in the event that there isn’t adequate public transportation. Just because your children decide not to drive doesn’t mean you should be the family driver forever. You have to decide how much chauffeuring you are willing to do, set your boundaries, and stick with them.

What about teens who are truly afraid of driving? How do you help those children?

This isn’t about forcing people with deep fears to do something before they’re ready. If your children have an extreme fear or phobia about driving you might consider getting professional help. But for children who are intimidated about driving, there is hope and you can help.

This is a good time for you and your children to check in with your Internal Guidance System (IGS). Not only can this help reveal the reasons behind the trepidation for the teens, it can also help you understand any underlying fear or stress they have. By tapping into you IGS, you can also gain a better perspective, have more confidence in your support methods, maintain an increased level of patience, and even be aware when your children might want to bow out and ask for help from another adult, professional or otherwise.

When you recognize that fear is simply an emotion, you can acknowledge it and move on. This is the first step in helping someone who’s nervous about anything. Telling children there’s nothing to be afraid of isn’t helpful. Car accidents do happen and people do get hurt and killed while driving. The fact that your children are tentative about learning to drive may be a sign of their maturity – they see the inherent dangers and don’t have the mistaken belief that they’re immune to them.

Rather than discouraging the fear, you can use this awareness to help your children be better and safer drivers. Addressing the specific aspects that scare them can be helpful. Allowing them to practice at their own pace and not requiring that they do it at the same rate as an older sibling or their friends can also go a long way towards developing their skills. With better skills and more practice, the level of fear generally diminishes.

Find times and places to practice that give your student drivers plenty of room to make decisions. Let them take their time. Be sure that you’re centered before going out on any practice drives. If you start out anxious, stressed, or tired, your drivers will pick up on that energy and won’t have the most positive experiences.

Verbally reviewing the procedures before putting the car into gear is another good way to ingrain the habits, especially if your children are auditory learners. Many people who are fearful of driving turn out to be very visual. There is so much stimulation and so many things to see, it feels overwhelming.  If this is the case, try to have shorter sessions and control the environment as much as possible. Then, gradually introduce busier, more challenging, and more stressful driving situations.

Given time and understanding, your teens may actually grow to love driving. Even if driving isn’t a favorite pastime, you can help them get over a fear and learn an important life skill. By successfully conquering this fear, not only will they learn to drive, they’ll learn that they can handle other scary situations that come up in the future.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.

Settling in For a Long Winter's Nap

Clement Clark Moore’s famous poem, ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas, was a tale of how the speaker and his wife had just settled in for a long winter’s nap before he was startled out of his bed by Santa Claus. Even though Christmas and the Winter Solstice have both passed and nights are therefore getting shorter, your body is still hunkering in for the winter. For teenagers, this can be doubly as difficult.

Parents typically have the same schedule with the exception of a few weeks’ vacation every year. During the work/school week, the entire family likely shares this schedule -- you get up, get ready, help your kids get ready, and then everyone goes about their day.

Weekends are a different story. Parents still tend to get up -- they have things to attend to that didn’t get done during the week and still have a family to take care of. Kids on the other hand, especially teenagers, tend to view the weekend as prime time for a long winter’s nap. That’s true whether it is January or June.

This can be quite frustrating for parents who want the family to do things together. It’s equally bothersome when weekend chores aren’t being done, homework is left waiting, and everyone else’s schedule is pushed aside for the hibernating bear.

Not a bad analogy, is it? Try waking a teenager on a Saturday morning if they aren’t ready. Once awake, the bear is famished as if their sleep could’ve been counted in days rather than hours.

As a parent, this can put you in a difficult position. If you force you teen awake before the hibernation period is over, you’re likely to have a Grizzly on your hands rather than a cute Panda or Koala. On the other hand, should you let the bear sleep as long as they want? You’ve probably been told that children should stick to a consistent schedule. You might also have been told that your children are short on sleep. So what do you do?

According to scientists and health practitioners, teenagers are indeed short on sleep.

“Adolescents are notorious for not getting enough sleep. The average amount of sleep that teenagers get is between 7 and 7 ¼ hours. However, they need between 9 and 9 ½ hours (studies show that most teenagers need exactly 9 ¼ hours of sleep).”

~ Nationwide Children’s Hospital

Hopefully this information will allay the fear you might have over your teen sleeping their lives away. If your teen is sluggish every morning, then it’s possible they aren’t getting enough sleep. The weekends may be a critical time for their growing body to get much-needed rest.

On the other hand, it might be that your teen isn’t scheduling their time well enough to get the appropriate amount of sleep. You might want to look into what’s causing this lack of sleep.

Is your teen up late doing homework? Do they have a part-time job that’s impacting their schedule? Or do they participate in sports or other extra-curricular activities that keep them out late? If this is a temporary scheduling issue, it might not be a major concern, but it might be healthy to consider whether or not your teen is trying to take on too much.

There may be another culprit at play here.  Most teens today spend a significant part of their time with their electronics. They use their phones, tablets, and computers for homework, as a way to connect socially, and for distraction. Rather than be forced to have phone conversations tethered to a wall phone, today kids take their phones everywhere with them. That means they’re staring at those little screens and the light they project for hours at a time.

The human body is designed to respond to light. Originally, this was the light of the sun. A rhythm based on when the sun rises and sets was developed. The advent of artificial lights allowed humanity to extend daytime activities later into the evening. The result was that people began to get less sleep, but those lights could be turned off easily. Now your teen isn’t just using electronic devices in the evening, but is using them for extended periods of time right before going to bed.

“… Careful studies have shown that even our small electronic devices emit sufficient light to miscue the brain and promote wakefulness. As adults, we are subject to these influences and our children are particularly susceptible. “

~ National Sleep Foundation

This means that even if your teen is reading before bed, the electronic device they might be reading it on isn’t preparing them for sleep. Just as your parents used to admonish you to turn the lights out, you may need to remind your teen to turn off their electronic devices in order to get a good night’s rest.

The bottom line is that there’s no need to panic if your teenager takes an occasional long winter’s nap, but if sleeping long hours on the weekends is a constant occurrence or is impacting the family schedule, it might be time to check into the cause of their hibernation.

For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.