No one
enjoys being around an angry person and no one likes to catch the brunt of
someone’s temper. Yet everyone gets angry from time to time and you want your children
to be able to express his or her feelings. So how can you help them to
recognize and express their anger in a healthy way that doesn’t alienate
everyone around them?
It’s important for you to deal with negative emotions such
as anger in a way that is appropriate for your child’s age. You shouldn’t
expect him or her to be able to have the same kind of rationalization you’d
expect from an adult.
In the same way, you can raise your expectations when your
kids are preteens and teenagers. What might’ve been accepted or tolerated when
they were five just doesn’t cut it when they’re fifteen.
Even though you’ll likely modify your expectations and how
you address the emotions with your children as they mature, don’t talk down to them
just because of their age.
Human beings are blessed with an incredible array of
emotions from intense anger and despair to the heights of happiness. No one can
flip a switch and turn off their emotions and you really shouldn’t try to do
that. What you can do is to modify how you express
your emotions. This is important for you to remember as an adult and extremely
important for you to convey to your children.
“Timing is everything,” as the saying goes. This especially
true when you’re discussing emotions with your son or daughter. Do you think
your daughter will hear a word you’re saying in the middle of a tantrum or that
your son will be able to stop and be rational when he’s beet red with anger?
The best time to talk about emotions is when your children
are calm. Reassure them that feelings of anger are normal. It’s okay to admit that
you get angry sometimes, too, and then, ask what’s making them feel angry.
It can be really helpful for both you and your child if you
can learn about what presses their buttons and what causes immediate reactions.
Is your daughter an exploder who vents like Mount Vesuvius only to cool down
once she’s through? Or is your son a brooder who hoards bad feelings behind a
mask until the dam bursts?
You might be able to help you children figure out what
their hot buttons are by mentioning that you noticed that they seemed to get
angry when…(you fill in the blank). Or if your sweet, calm child suddenly
starts hitting someone, you might be able to help them take a walk back in time
to figure out what the cause for the impromptu boxing match was.
Encouraging your children to tap into their Internal
Guidance System (IGS) is a great way to help. Using their IGS, they can
remember how it felt to bear the
brunt of someone else’s tirade. They can feel how different responses might’ve
had a completely different result.
It’s important for your kid to know that it’s not healthy
to repress their anger. You don’t want your children to turn their anger
inwards. If they do that, they may appear to be happy to others while they grow
more depressed or sullen. This isn’t good for anyone.
Instead, you need to present them with safe ways to vent their
anger. There are a variety of tools that can work, but you need to experiment
and learn what works for your child as a unique individual. Some of these suggestions
will work in different situations, too, so it’s good to have a couple tricks up
your sleeve:
The primal scream is a popular solution for venting anger
or frustration. It isn’t necessarily pleasant for others to be around and it
can be quite startling if you’re in one part of the house and you suddenly hear
screams coming from your child’s room. However, the silent version is actually
just as effective for most people. Teach them to allow their face, hands, and
body react exactly as they would with a loud scream -- just without the sound.
This is a good choice if you can get behind a closed door, even if that door is
a stall in the school bathroom.
The act of hitting can also relieve a lot of anger. Of
course, you don’t want your children to hit themselves or others, but you might
have a punching bag where they can direct their anger. Soft bats can be used
too, but be sure to set up ground rules about what and where any bludgeoning
device – no matter how soft - can be used.
Yet physical activity is still one of the best releases for
anger. Running or splashing about in the pool are great examples where anger
can be vented without hurting anyone.
Expressing anger verbally, but calmly, is a great skill
that can be developed, too. Your children learn that it’s okay to tell you that
they’re angry, that how they handle it is important, and that talking about it sooner
rather than later is better than letting the anger fester.
Be the best anger management example you can be, but be
human about it. If you lose your temper in front of your child, be willing to
apologize. Use your anger as a moment of growth for both of you. You can even
discuss other ways you could have handled your anger better and how those
choices would have felt to each of you.
When your child learns to accept that everyone experiences
anger, but knows that it’s possible to control that anger rather than be at the
mercy of the emotion, then you’re raising a child who can manage their anger in
healthy ways.
For more, please visit www.SharonBallantine.com.
